Log in

Previous 10

Nov. 16th, 2013

daft punk

just floating along down bullshit creek...

i felt like i had this long post in my mind but when i started to type nothing came out.

Oct. 20th, 2013

daft punk

round and round and round and round

life is a never-ending (well, thats not true), vicious cycle. once you tackle one pile of bullshit, another pile of bullshit comes full steam ahead to clock you upside the head.

just can't seem to get ahead. yet again, nearly lost my job this past week. for one, i opened an account with what turned out to be a bogus check and the guy had taken a majority of the cash out by the time we realized. that would have been an offense worthy of a write up and in august when i got written up i was told i was on my last straw. somehow, i dodged that bullet enough. also, apparently somebody at the bank could see my facebook and they saw my posts using the word fuck in relation to my getting my debit cards stolen and having over $800 in charges run up and that didn't make the bank happy. not their business to be looking at my page, i said nothing negative about the bank. i didn't tag the bank. basically, someone was out looking for a fight to pick and picked it with me. i wonder if whatever person from HR or whomever reported me how they would react if they had their debit card stolen and saw their entire paycheck disappear within a day of getting paid. i personally think use of the word fuck was appropriate and acceptable.

so that was cool. basically was told by my boss i'm doing a shit job. at the same time, my boss from the gym left a note in my box at work that i've been doing such a great job, she appreciates my positive attitude, etc. so figure that one out, one boss thinks i'm terrible the other thinks i'm great.

other than that, life has been just peachy. my dumbass brother and his pregnant fiance are getting married in 3 weeks now. they are dumb, irresponsible, and this is going to be a shitshow of a wedding. i set a goal after my spell in august to not drink until thanksgiving. so far so good, but thats going to be over in a few weeks. no way i'm not getting completely fucked up for that wedding. only way to make that day tolerable.


Aug. 10th, 2013

daft punk

fuck it

no one in my family will talk to me anymore. everyone is mad. i go to my mom's every sunday, she called me today and said not to come over tomorrow.

even my friends hate me. i have 0 people i can trust right now. not my family, not my friends, not my co-workers.

the world is a lonely, lonely place.

Jun. 3rd, 2013

daft punk

another crazy update

my idiot brother got his 10 years younger than him fiance pregnant. his life is pretty much a comedy of errors.

their latest brilliant idea is to have the baby first then get married (he's gonna be a baby-daddy!) and then have a combined wedding/baptism. what. the. fuck.

please tell me i'm not related to this idiot.

May. 27th, 2013

daft punk

another boring update

so i've signed up for match.com recently, not sure if i already mentioned that. so far its been a total waste of money. the free version is pointless because you can't interact with anyone so i did the paid version, not one person has responded to a message on there. its just frustrating. i'll keep it until my membership expires then i'm done with it. its so dumb.

ive lost a bunch of weight, probably about 20 pounds now. i'm now under 170 pounds, and i dont think i've been under 170 since i first went over 170, so id say at least since sophomore or junior year of high school. i've had a few compliments lately that i look thinner. now if only they'd come from some single girls haha.

nothing else is new or exciting. since my position at mvp metro is being eliminated, i'm transferring back to rockford. i'm honestly not too thrilled to be going back there, but at the end of the day i need the money so i just need to swallow my pride and suck it up.

so whatever. the new daft punk album is great and the last song makes my head explode. good stuff. until next time.

May. 11th, 2013


is this real or am i dreaming?

i find it such a daunting task to update this regularly because so much crazy shit happens in my life and its hard to keep it all straight. this time is no exception.

when i last wrote on here i mentioned i had left brenna a message saying i wasn't going to call her anymore, but i still wanted to talk to her, but basically the ball was in her court to make an effort. i also had friended her on facebook again, half expecting her to either leave it in limbo or deny me, but to my surprise she accepted my request. its not major, but i figured its a sign shes not worried about hiding things and i figured its another way she can reach me if she isnt comfortable yet in calling me.

well flash to last saturday, and brenna sends me a text out of the blue saying she was working sunday at starbucks until 4 if i felt like coming by. unfortunately i had to work until 5 and she was busy after work, so it didn't work out. but it was really exciting i guess, it felt good she was thinking about me and wanted to see me. well she kinda went back to her usual self and i had asked when else she was working this week and i never got a reply. so wednesday, i figured what the hell, maybe shes working so i drove to her work. well... she wasn't working. well she was it turns out, but not at that one that day. i asked one of the girls at the counter if she was working and they said no, and apparently got creeped out that a guy that had never been in before was asking about a girl that wasn't working that day. imagine that! so i was sitting there, i brought my computer so i could use the internet in case she wasnt there, and as im sitting there brenna texts me "i just got a text a guy in black vw was looking for me?" so yeah. i was embarrassed, i hope i didn't embarrass her. she texted me later that i didnt, but oh well.

i guess its a good sign maybe that i showed her i made an effort to try to see her, i hope she wasn't creeped out about it. i just hope we can get our timing right, and maybe meet up some time, have a conversation and maybe figure some things out, i really hope i see her soon, i was so disappointed i missed her wednesday :(

Apr. 10th, 2013

hold steady

i can't keep this up much longer

i honestly dont know how much more of this i can take.

work is frustrating me. i wish i made more money. whatever. maybe its just because we never had much growing up since my father as it turns out was pissing money away, but i'm just paranoid about not being able to pay bills.

life is just driving me crazy. after 2 fucking car accidents in february, this bitch backed into me in the parking ramp last week (as we were coming in, so i was in my car). and despite the fact i was stopped and she backed into me, she tried to say it was my fault because i was "too close behind her." fuck that shit. i'm just over fucking accidents and shit. i'm about ready to take the fucking bus. seriously. fuck having a car.

i finally decided i'm done trying to contact Brenna for a while. if she wants to meet and talk, i'd still like to. but i'm not going to keep bothering her. she left me before on her terms. now this is on my fucking terms.

i'm just over fucking life right now. why can't things start going my way. why can't i have a fucking winning streak instead of this fucking losing streak, with life fucking bending me over at every turn and just completely fucking me over whenver i try to get it right? god seriously fuck this. i don't want to put up with this shit the rest of my life. if this is how the next 40 years are going to continue well they can just fuck themselves. i dont want that.

Mar. 20th, 2013


one step forwards, two steps back

i feel like whatever progress i might have made in recent months is slipping away. i've found myself anxious, nervous, easily-agitated lately. i've been having thoughts of killing myself again recently. more seriously and more frequently than i have in a while. everything is just too overwhelming. my life isn't going in any direction except spiraling out of control. everytime i feel like i'm getting things right, life comes back around and fucking kicks my ass. and then kicks me again when i'm down.

what the fuck is the purpose anymore? i have no escape from stress and anxiety. work used to be my escape. now i'm getting frustrated at MVP because i'm getting jerked around there, i've gotten my hours cut to 4 hours a week even though i've been promised more hours. at the bank, i got into a verbal altercation with my boss and ended up getting written up. sucks when your friend becomes your boss. i dont think theres any way to make that work. then outside of work, my family life is still shit. and i'm still lonely, going home to an empty apartment every night, trying to resist the urge to drink myself to sleep. i still miss Brenna. i've been trying to get in touch with her just because i feel we need to talk. for several weeks we were texting and communicating. now i havent heard anything in 3 weeks. i'm getting concerned for her. even though she shouldn't be my problem. i just care too damn much about that girl.

ive been listening to a lot of kurt vile in recent months. i think his music is both beautiful and depressing at times. so i've been in the mood for it a lot lately.

Mar. 3rd, 2013

daft punk

struggling still

hmm... i havent posted here in a while just because too much has been happening and i can't wrap my head around everything. i'm gonna have to go with bullet poiints

- got in a car accident a few weeks ago. couldn't stop at a red light and slid into someone when the roads were bad.
- on the way to pick my car of from the collision shop, a dude hit me in the loaner car. such bullshit. been dealing with insurance reps seemingly non stop the past few weeks
- my boss was on vacation for 2 weeks and i was straight up overwhelmed, so busy.
- my boss chewed my the fuck out friday, then she left to work at the home and garden show, i proceeded to have a panic attack after she left in the bathroom. it was weird, i was hyperventilating, my face got numb and i nearly passed out.
- i confronted my father at court about his abuse. i called him a child abuser to his face. he just shrugged it off and his "girlfriend" laughed at me.
- im getting my wisdom teeth pulled thursday. kind of dreading that.
- ive just been super overwhelmed by life lately.


Jan. 27th, 2013


its been a while

its been a bit since i've updated this, but so much has been happening and i just haven't had the motivation, not to mention that i don't have internet at the apartment. it's been a strange/crazy few weeks though.

a couple weeks ago i got in the mail an envelope addressed to me at my mom's house (that was then forwarded to me) and i open it and it starts "Dear self,..." apparently this was for an assignment from my 11th grade english class where we would write a letter to ourselves in the future, and well, the guy still mailed them. there wasn't much that was too interesting, a lot of what i was up to and what i was into then, though i did write that my parents were abusive whether they admitted it or not. i basically just beat up on myself though and i signed it "sincerely, your piece of shit self." it just sucks thinking about it and realizing that for over 10 years this is how i have thought of myself, and while a lot has changed in my life, a lot really hasn't and it sucks realizing how long i've dealt with this.

i had a hard time and was kind of in a funk for a few days after that... i was thinking about 'her' a bit and just got really upset, i had a bit of a panic attack one day while getting ready for work, i just kind of freaked out a bit. then last weekend i decided to google her. i haven't been friends with her on facebook since she unfriended me, but i googled her to see what i might find, not really knowing what my expectations were. well, whatever they were, i certainly didn't expect to see what i saw, which was several mugshots of her. turns out she's been arrested a few times, twice since she left me. once for shoplifting about a year ago, once for possession of a controlled substance, once for dui.

at first i laughed. i thought "THIS is the girl i've been upset about?" THIS??!!?! i did something dumb and i looked up her phone number (i still had it saved somewhere even though shes long since been erased from my phone). i sent her a text and i said "haha you got arrested? glad to see you've been doing well!" not expecting to hear back. she could have let it go, but she wrote back and asked why i was looking and why did i care? so i figured what the hell and told her. i told her how much i've been struggling since she left. i told her how much i've thought about her. i told her i nearly killed myself in october. i told her that i wish she loved me as much as i loved her but moreso i wish she loved herself the way i loved her. she actually responded and said she was sorry for what happened and she was sorry for hurting me, she hasn't been doing well either, she has attempted suicide and is facing jail time. i was just stunned because (until i saw the mugshots) i thought she had been doing well, i just assumed since she left me and met someone else she must be doing great, but thats obviously not the case.

i thought about it a lot, i talked to some friends, i talked to my cousin, and after all that i decided to call her the other night and offer to talk if she wanted to. i dont really want to get back into a relationship with her. i have too much shit going on i need to fix. she has too much shit going on she needs to fix. i dont really have a lot to give her or anyone. also i'm torn between being hurt by what she did, but also still caring a lot about her. i think shes a good person who has made some fucking terrible decisions. if she wants to talk, great, if not, well, i understand. to this point she hasn't responded, maybe shes too busy, maybe she really has just closed the book on me. if thats her decision, fine, but i told her in my message that if she ever wants to talk, she knows how to get ahold of me and i'll answer the phone when she calls.

so we'll see... life has just been fucking crazy lately...

Previous 10